My journey into motherhood

As this blog is a place for me to practice the art of reflection, I though I’d start by reflecting on my journey into motherhood.

From about the age of 16 I said I didn’t want to be a mother.  I was quite prepared to be a career woman and I thought I’d die an old spinster. Things never turn out exactly how you think do they.

Anyway, part of the reasons I didn’t want children is that I have no maternal instinct,  or so I thought.  I did not have a burning desire to have children and I couldn’t hear my biological clock ticking.

The main reason however, was I was scared. Scared of my self-confidence,  or lack of it. And scared of post natal depression. This was even at least 5 years prior to any formal diagnosis I had of depression.

But I couldn’t tell people that so I used to say I didn’t think I’d be a good mother. I still remember a conversation I had with a past house mate who is a few years older than me. She asked me that question, I gave my standard reply, and she said “but you mother me”.

So what changed. Aaron, my wonderful husband.

From the first time I saw him with children I knew he’d make a great dad. He is great with his nephews, now 4 of them. He is great with his god-daughter.  And every time we are in social situations where there is children, he’s always playing with them.  Boy or girl, whatever age, it doesn’t matter. And they all love him back.  His nephews think the world of him. So much so that for Aaron’s first fathers day this year, his oldest nephew bought him a gift from his schools fathers day stall.

Also, as I had more exposure to babies and young children, the whole thing didn’t seem quite so scary. Plus if plenty of idiots in the world could raise children then so could I.

So with my age ticking along, we finally decided we would try to have a baby.  But if it didn’t happen that would be okay too.

So fast forward to July 2012, and the gorgeous babywray was born.

It was hard at first. I cried a lot. I was anxious a lot. I saw a psychiatrist and am taking medication.  I didn’t want to. I had been off medication for almost year and wanted to try to survive without it. But after crying uncontrollably for over half an hour for no reason with the phrase “happy mummy equals happy baby” going round and round in my head I took the medication and I am much better for it. It wasn’t a quick fix and still isn’t but it has helped.

So six months into my motherhood journey I have surprised myself.

I am a good mother and it has come more naturally than I thought. Yes her crying gets to me sometimes, but most of the time I can handle it.

I am finding it easier than I thought to play,  sing and read to her. I can’t make up stories or songs like some people I know but I have heads and shoulders and row row row your boat down pat.

I find it incredibly fascinating to watch her explore herself and her surroundings and take everything in. I try to teach to her new things every day and tell her what she is seeing and doing.

I have more patience now than before. Things take longer with a baby.  Babies cry. Strangers want to talk to you. All things that have taught me patience.

Most of all though, motherhood has given me confidence. I still have ups and downs in my mood and confidence but overall I definitely have more confidence.

One of my main weaknesses is assertiveness. I have in the past lacked assertiveness to express my own opinions and ask for help. However I remember my counsellor telling me that I would be, as a parent,  my child’s advocate. Having this in my head has changed things.  I am now able to speak up not only on matters relating to babywray but to me as well.

Becoming a mother has changed me in so many ways, for the better. I love my daughter and am glad that I have undertaken this journey into motherhood. But I will be only having one child.  I am firm on this.  Although some friends don’t believe me.

2013 Year of New Things

As well as 2013 being the year of organisation, I have also decided that 2013 will be a year of new things for me. Well I guess I am just carrying on this from last year which was definitely a year of new things for me.

New in 2012

  • visited Tasmania for the first time
  • birth of babywray
  • motherhood
  • joining a mothers group and making new friends
  • house renovations
  • reapplying for my own job whilst on maternity leave – not something I’d recommend
  • eating a brussel sprout on Christmas Eve – not an entirely new thing, I had eaten them before but I couldn’t remember what they tasted like so I ate one, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, in fact I might even eat them again
  • trying Rekorderlig Cider – my drink of choice over the Christmas period, so far I have tried 4 flavours and have 3 new ones to try

So as you can see, some of these ‘new’ things were big (baby), others small (cider), but I plan to keep this up in 2013. Having the mindset to try new things is only the beginning.

2013 Year of Organisation

Well I have finally got here. I did intend to blog earlier in the week. I started off on Monday feeling the most confident I have for a long time. But that didn’t last long. By Wednesday morning I was at such a low I couldn’t leave the house. I am feeling okay now but it has taken a few days to get back to normal (so to speak).

Anyway, I have decided that 2013 will be a year of organisation. At the moment I am on maternity leave and my life has become a bit sidetracked while I focus on getting to know my beautiful baby girl. However now that I feel I have motherhood somewhat under control I feel I need more. Last year before babywray was born I had to do a massive clean up and discarded several years worth of unwanted paperwork and other unwanted and unneeded stuff so we could make a nursery for her. We also had a new room built on our house but I couldn’t just transfer all of my crap to that room as much as I would have wanted too.

But that was not quite finished. So for the beginning of this year I want to finish off that clean up which will involve reorganising everything in our study/craft room/guest room. I have also been inspired by the discussion on Twitter by @lyndelleg and @katiedavis to get this done.

Another of my planned tasks is to create a menu plan. I have wanted to do this for several years now but haven’t done it. I am very lucky to have a husband who does most of the cooking in the house. But I do like cooking (and have a degree in home economics) so I want to do more. However, I have always struggled with cooking evening meals so I am hoping a menu plan will help. I also found the perfect accessory to help me in Kikki K at the weekend, a dinner planner. I’d seen menu planners before but I didn’t want one that included breakfast and lunch. This should help.

Finally, with everything that will happen this year; returning to study, returning to work, childcare etc, being organised will be more important than ever.

A Revamp for the New Year

In 2013 I intend to blog more regularly so I decided my blog needed a revamp. I hope you like it.

I have a couple of posts in mind but I will get to them another time.  Stay tuned.

Good Intentions

purple notebook

Well I had good intentions to complete #blogjune. I thought I was ready. I have had ideas for posts, they just don’t eventuate. Somewhere between leaving work and going to bed I lose motivation and the energy to blog.

I do want to blog on a regular basis. I have the confidence but…

So I have decided to go back to basics. I am still a paper girl at heart. I am going to start a paper journal to draft posts and record ideas. Then some of them may or may not make it to my blog. But that’s okay.

And I have just the notebook for it. Last Friday after work I went to my local art shop specifically to buy an A4 visual dictionary to record my cardmarking and scrapbooking ideas and inspiration to match the A6 notebook I bought to record my cardmarking and scrapbooking supplies (I like order & matching things). Anyway, as I also love stationery I saw this small purple lined notebook that I just had to have. Now I know why.

Now I can hear some of you thinking (well if anyone is reading that is) why don’t I just do my drafts on my smartphone and record my ideas in Evernote. Like I said earlier I’m a old-fashioned paper based girl. To the point that I recently found it easier to write my assignments on paper as the ideas flowed easier. I’m hoping the same will happen with my blog posts.
So if you read any future blog posts from me (that aren’t memes) you know that my back to basics approach is working.

PS I did write this using the WordPress app on my Android phone while on the bus just to get it out before I lost my mojo but I don’t think I could do this to often.